


i'll plead my innocence 'cos that's my best defense.

by KilltheDJ



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Self-Indulgent, The Fabulous Killjoys (Danger Days) Are Not MCR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24210928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilltheDJ/pseuds/KilltheDJ
Summary: Kobra's never been good at good-bye.
Relationships: Kobra Kid/Mr. Sandman
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





	i'll plead my innocence 'cos that's my best defense.

Kobra was never been one for good-byes.

_ Good-bye  _ wasn’t his strong suit - he could drift away, slowly, till the last time he saw someone was years ago and their face all but a wispy dream. He could disappear completely, there one second and gone the next, a ghost haunting someone he’ll never see again.

But he didn’t say good-bye. He didn’t know how. 

He knew when he needed to, but he could never bring himself to face someone and admit to himself he was leaving, or they were leaving, or whatever it was that was happening because he liked to live his life in denial.

So, of course, it was obvious why he was tossing and turning in bed, unable to get comfortable, too cold and too hot and part of him wanted to cry but he was either too dehydrated to cry or broken. One of the two and he had a feeling it was a mixture, actually, but he didn’t want to talk about it because talking about it would mean turning to his other side.

Because, beside him, silhouetted by the darkness, was Sandman, with his stupid freckles and grin and shitty green-dyed hair and he meant  _ everything  _ and nothing and he was fast asleep and Kobra was not and - 

He was working himself up. He did that sometimes, worked himself up so much that he was going four times quicker than the speed of light, forgot the present in his panic.

The present had never been his favorite thing, and it wasn’t, not that night. 

_

“Kobra, we…. We need to talk.” 

Sometimes, Sandman would wake Kobra up with breakfast, or a kiss, or by the stupid pins (that Kobra gathered for him, of course) jingling when he got dressed in the morning;

But he’d never been woken up with  _ we need to talk,  _ and Kobra hated that he knew where it was going. They both knew it was time, but he didn’t want it to be, it couldn’t, it  _ could  _ technically but it couldn’t because Kobra was in a Desert full of change and he needed  _ something  _ to stay constant.

And Poison didn’t count, ‘cos Poison had more mood swings than the Director when she saw a killjoy market in her precious Lobby. Runway didn’t count either, because Runway was a teddy bear. 

(Or so Kobra told himself. Runway  _ did  _ count.) 

“Wha’ d’we need to talk about?” Kobra asked, groggy and rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he sat up, leaning against the cold wall because of  _ course  _ he took his shirt off when he got too hot the night prior. 

He felt too exposed. 

Sandman gave him a pointed look; they both knew what was going on, they both  _ knew  _ and that made it worse, didn’t it? “You know. I’d… I’d rather do it now than… than later, y’know?” 

“No, I don’t,” muttered Kobra, because he always ran from his problems and conversations like these and he was going to fucking cry, dammit, he was going to cry.

He didn’t even know what Sandman was going to say! He knew what he  _ thought,  _ but he had always been told that he was bad at guessing, and more often than not his gut instincts were wrong and he was  _ going to cry  _ and he didn’t want to cry, not in front of Sandman, not right then.

“Well, I’d still like to talk about it, yeah?” Sandman smiled, lopsided; it didn’t reach his eyes and Kobra couldn’t help but try to curl in on himself when Sandman sat on top of the covers next to him.

It was too much. It was too much, no, no,  _ he couldn’t do good-byes! _

Rather than force himself to answer and more than likely embarrass himself with a voice crack, or a few if he was being honest, Kobra just nodded, letting his grimy blond hair fall into his face. He needed to take a shower. Damn, he hadn’t done that alone in a while.

He wasn’t looking forward to it. 

“Well…” Sandman started awkwardly, scratching at the nape of his neck and avoiding eye contact - of course he was, he liked good-bye about as much as Kobra, but unlike his lover (that’s what they were, after all,  _ lovers)  _ he tended to want to get it over with rather than never do it in the first place.

Kobra hoped he was more than just someone to  _ get over. _

“Well, I… I wanna say that I… I love you.” Sandman had never said that before.  _ Love  _ wasn’t something you said in the Zones, at least not in a romantic context, ‘cos you said it to your ride-or-die friends all the time, your family.

Not in a romantic context, though. Hell, they did everything they could to avoid the word.  _ Pastel  _ had the same meaning but avoided anything associated with it.  _ Carrying a torch  _ was for a crush, and even the few that called them  _ crushes  _ still, it wasn’t love.

They  _ didn’t say love.  _

Kobra swallowed and pretended that his hands weren’t forming a shitty heart in his lap. Sandman noticed but didn’t say a thing. 

“I wanna say I love you, and… “ There it was again! Love! Destroya be damned, that wasn’t something Kobra needed to process! “And I’m… I wish I didn’t. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know?” 

“This isn’t supposed to sound so sappy.” Destroya, he probably sounded like a dick but Kobra couldn’t do this, he couldn’t, he didn’t say good-byes and he didn’t hear  _ I love you’ _ s and he didn’t - this wasn’t meant to be like this! “This is - this is supposed to be…” 

Sandman reached out to put his hand on Kobra’s cheek, but stopped inches away and left it there, clearly conflicted on what he should do; Kobra decided for him, leaning tentatively into the touch. 

He wouldn’t have something as  _ sweet  _ or, hell, he might even say tender if the circumstances weren’t what they were, for any longer, would he? It just wasn’t meant to be. They both had lives that required them to part and Kobra was never allowed to have something long enough to remember what it was like to love something more than he loved anything else in his life, at least in that sense.

His crew was his crew, family, and while they knew how Kobra liked to cuddle in the middle of the night they didn’t know how it felt to have his whole world, universe, even, crammed into one smile and one pair of eyes.

It wasn’t the same.

“It’s not supposed to be anything,” Sandman said softly, and while they both knew he was lying, it was so desperately genuine, like he was scrambling for a reason it was true, trying to convince himself of the situation.

Trying to find a way where it all worked out but Kobra had thought about it before but he wasn’t meant to be with someone who made him happy for this long. He was destined to always part ways with those he loved, wasn’t he? 

Kobra sighed, slowly reaching his own hand up to take Sandman’s off his jaw, to hold it for, perhaps, the last time. It felt right, but it felt final, and Kobra had never been good at good-bye. “I suppose. So… Where do we go from here? Where do  _ you  _ go?” 

The smile on Sandman’s face, as melancholic as it was, a parting gift for the ages, was almost enough for Kobra to ask if Sandman wanted to run away with him one last time. Almost. “I go irritate the shit out of Benzedrine and Detonator and fuck with shit I’m not supposed to. What about you?”

Truth was, Kobra would more than likely lock himself in his room for a few days to deal with it. Truth was, Kobra would more than likely wonder what he did wrong and why he couldn’t think of a way they could stay together. Truth was, Kobra would more than likely hate himself for realizing they were doomed from the start. 

“Maybe go on supply runs,” Kobra shrugged nonchalantly like his world wasn’t falling apart. Sandman wasn’t just his lover and maybe that was the worst part. He was a  _ friend,  _ and one of the few that wasn’t obligated to be his friend by association. And Kobra was losing him. “Race some more. You think you can still make it to one of my races?” 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Sunflower.” 

They both knew he was lying. They both knew that this was a final good-bye, that there would no cheering from the stands, and that Kobra was going to burn every sunflower in Zone Five to try to feel like empty.

With that, and a murmured, “I love you,” Sandman stood up, that stupid, watery smile on his face as he searched Kobra’s expression for a hint of  _ anything.  _

All that he found was Kobra mouthing the phrase back to him, afraid to say it, afraid to speak it into reality, despite the truth of the words ringing through his head like a storm. 

Sandman leaned down to kiss Kobra on the forehead, moving his hair out of the way, lingering there and Kobra pretended that his wasn’t the last time they would ever see each other.

Sandman was still wearing the necklace Kobra had given him last month.

Destroya, Kobra couldn’t - he couldn’t do this. He squeezed his eyes shut, pretended that he couldn’t already feel the tears slipping out of the corner of his eyes.

He regretted his decision, though, because he could hear Sandman’s footsteps leaving the room and quietly shutting the door behind him, refusing to let in the morning light, but Kobra didn’t see him go. 

When he opened his eyes, Sandman was gone, the love of his life was gone with nothing more than a kiss on the forehead and gaping hole in Kobra’s heart.

The only trace of him was the shitty graffiti on the walls that wasn’t even signed. Nothing else. 

Sometimes, Kobra hated the Zones. He hated that it always tore people apart. He hated that he fell in love with the one person who always had to leave him and he hated that he always managed to be too  _ coward  _ to say good-bye and he hated everything about himself that got his heart broken time and time again.

It was different with Sandman, though. It was different and he  _ knew  _ that and he still let him walk away and there was nothing Kobra could do because they weren’t meant to end up together. 

Right? 

Or did he make the worst decision of his life? 

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a ROUGH DAY for me haha xoxo. anyway here is a lil sandkid thing because...comfort ship + my emotions for the day = good, right? so we're gonna pretend that I'm, like, not dying inside and don't want to cry <3 <3 <3 Anyway, what'cha think?


End file.
